Anxiety · Bipolar Disorder

Suicidal? Not Really

Sarah

I’m doing so well and I’m so happy but one thing seems to never leave my mind.

Suicide.

Tonight as I walked my dog I heard some whipping, popping noise.  It was the noise of flag flapping in the wind.  It was the flag atop the building across the street.  50+ stories up.  As I watched as the flag flipped back and forth I thought about how that would be a great building to jump off of.

And that’s not the first time I’ve had those thoughts… When in reality I’m actually not depressed this time.

Right next to my apartment complex they’re building a newer, nicer high rise apartment building.  There’s a crane involved in they’re construction.  I keep thinking about that crane.  How that would be cool place to leap off of.

Why?

Why do I keep having these thoughts?  I don’t feel sad.  I don’t feel depressed at all.  I’m the happiest I’ve been in a year.  But somehow I still have these lingering feelings.

My doctor upped my Lithium to 600 mg on Thursday in hopes to curb my anxiety.  Maybe this is anxiety that’s making me feel this way.  I know my anxiety makes me have terribly sad depressing thoughts.  I’m still having terribly anxious thoughts.

I just wish I could stop thinking about the million and one ways I could kill myself, when, honestly, I don’t really want to kill myself at all.

 

10 thoughts on “Suicidal? Not Really”

  1. Jeez this must feel like hell.
    Well , you say lingering thoughts , when do you think you will cut the chord off ?
    Have you tried hypnotherapy? Our mind thinks in pictures and what we think of repeatedly we notice more of. You will notice these thoughts more when in fact we have over 50k thiughts a day.
    Replacing tonight’s and finding a new thought path will help .
    What makes you feel great ?
    What thought can you consciously repeat that will lay down a new neural pathway ?
    The answers are training your brain to focus on something else and not giving life to the thought of suicide.
    Each time you write it it strengthens that pathway .
    Think of it as a fire , each time you think about it your adding another log and so it continues to burn.
    Notice the thought then immediately replaced it .
    Love Caton

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  2. Most of the time people don’t kill themselves because they want to die or think about it because they want to die. I think it’s more of wanting to escape the pain and anxiety. We think about it because it’s something in our lives that we have control over. I don’t feel like I have much control over anything in my life right now but that I CAN control. I don’t know if that makes sense.

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  3. I hate having those intrusive thoughts!! Sometimes I can be perfectly fine and then my brain spots the perfect place to park my car “when I kill myself”. It’s upsetting, to say the least. I want to believe that I will not die by my own hand, and I work really hard to be well. I just have to say to myself “well there goes another intrusive thought that I didn’t invite in” and try to let it fly in and out of my brain. It’s not a welcome thought and I refuse to dwell upon it. Hope that helps. 🙂

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  4. I’ve had those thoughts before when I’m not depressed. I think you might be referring to “suicidal ideation” if I’m not mistaken. Those thoughts are the worst. They loop over and over again in your head when you don’t really mean for them to. If you think about it less it starts to go away. That’s what I found helps. Take care Sarah!

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  5. I understand this feeling. Just today I was looking up overdose information on one of my new medications. Why? I couldn’t tell you. I don’t want to die today. These thoughts are intrusive, aren’t they? Unwanted, unwarranted thoughts about death. It sucks. Hopefully it helps you to know you’re not alone with them — I know it helps me.

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    1. I know I have strange thoughts. This evening there was a car obviously speeding down the street by my apartment. For some reason I started thinking about how it would feel to get hit by that car. These thoughts are weirdly intruding.

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